Capri-isms: A Field Guide to Beagle Behavior
Behavior: Deceitful Worm-face
Habitat: Couches, usually in the morning
Defining Characteristics: A squinty-eyed, feeble expression of a beagle who is simply so exhausted by life that she can hardly hold her head up or eyes open. This is deceitful because researchers will note said beagle was wide awake moments before and only chose to put on this Oscar-worthy performance once mommy or daddy begin to exclaim how sweet and tired she must be.
Behavior: Spring-loaded Foot
Habitat: Couches, dog beds
Defining Characteristics: A sudden ejection of a rear leg/paw as the final adjustment necessary to achieve maximum comfort for napping. Accompanied by a cartoon BOOOIIINNNGGG sound. Velocity of this ejection is directly proportional to proximity of mommy or daddy's face.
Behavior: Broken Legs
Habitat: Carpets, particularly when mommy and daddy are in a rush to get somewhere with said beagle
Defining Characteristics: Inexplicable paralysis of rear legs, requiring beagle to drag herself military-crawl style across the carpet at the speed of cold molasses, leaving a beagle-slug trail in the carpet fibers. Researchers note that words of encouragement such as "Use your legs!" "Hurry!" "Are you serious? WALK." are ineffective, but the word "cookie" seems to restore normal motor function.
Behavior: Drool Machine
Habitat: Edge of the living room carpet
Defining Characteristics: This Pavlovian response occurs immediately before meals in anticipation of the same damn kibble the beagle has eaten for 8 years. Despite instructions to sit completely on the carpet, the beagle will ALWAYS edge forward in anticipation so the drool lands primarily on the hardwood floors.
Defining Characteristics: An explosion of boisterous energy that is expressed by frantic sprinting, growling/snarling, quick and unpredictable direction changes, and shrieking at unsuspecting observers. Pigs are often triggered by the feeling of sand on the beagle's paws, post walk/bath jubilation, embarrassment, or the fury that erupts from personal slights such as watching mommy or daddy walk away from her to go upstairs. Researchers will note the mental integrity of the beagle during these fits is tenuous at best.
Behavior: Finding Geographical Center
Habitat: Exactly between mommy and daddy or any 2 pack members
Defining Characteristics: It is imperative as a pack-loving beagle to always be precisely between members of your pack. The beagle must continuously shift her location to approximate the location equidistant between mommy and daddy. This may even mean lying in uncomfortable spots like on stair treads, but must always be on carpet. Love of the pack does not extend to hard surfaces.
Behavior: Symphonic vocal stylings
Habitat: Dead of night
Defining Characteristics: The beagle makes no noise during waking hours (except during pigs when the competing emotions of joy/rage cannot possibly be contained silently), but between the hours of 1-4 am she may have vivid dreams. These require a mix of whining, growling, woofing, and yodeling to best express how amazing and bad-ass she evidently is in her dreamworld. Researchers will observe this is adorable, but the level of cuteness declines in proportion with the number of consecutive nights this persists.
Behavior: Unrequited love (...humping)
Defining Characteristics: An unsuspecting and rather chubby pug named Chloe was the object of said beagle's affections for 6 years while attending Doggy Daycare in CT. This resulted in several report cards in which mommy or daddy were horrified to learn Chloe was often subjected to unwanted affections. Since moving away this behavior has been self-limiting. Researches are supportive of CONSENSUAL dog love of all genders and sizes.
Habitat: Couches, dog beds
Defining Characteristics: Upon waking from a luxurious nap, the beagle will yawn, growl, roar, squeal, writhe, wriggle, and contort herself in such a way she appears made of rubber and her skin is pulled taut on her face causing her eyes to bulge and appear freakish. The beagle will then freeze in the position of maximum freakishness and stare, unblinking, at the researchers. Splashing the beagle with holy water and shouting "I cast you OUT!" is ineffective, but encouraged for comedic value.